New "Season"...

I'm usually not the type of person that describes different stages of life as "seasons"...it's just not the way I word things (although I have friends that I love dearly who use this term in every other sentence and it just works for them, so no judgement if you say it a lot!)...but as I was journaling today, I realized how this literal change of season (from summer to fall) seems so different than when spring was turning into summer, for my life personally.

I'm constantly amazed at how fast the time is flying by. Working with the youth group really speeds up time in that regard- it seems like they were JUST getting out of school and we were so pumped for summer and now they have been back in school for a MONTH. Yikes!

This summer was definitely a summer of growth for me. In some ways it was really hard in the mere fact that I kept seeing myself, again and again, for who I really am- a SINNER who is constantly in battle against my flesh, my desires, my circumstances, my nature. And in some ways it was really sweet because I am LOVED by the greatest lover of all, Jesus Christ.

So, bidding the summer a fond ado (it truly was great in many regards)...and welcoming the fall...here are a few of my hopes for the rest of 2010:

1) To desire and seek God more. To learn more about who He is and to truly know the love He has for me. To stop making my life so busy and loud that His majesty is drowned in my head and heart.

"How deep the Father's love for us, how vast beyond all measure....that He would give His only son, to make a wretch His treasure."

2) To pray, openly and honestly, without ceasing, for whatever is on my heart, because being in consistent communication with my Savior is imperative to our healthy relationship.

We are reading A Praying Life in our Life Together Groups this semester and I'm loving it so far. It is so practical and real and honest, while outlining how important it is to PRAY. So as this new season begins, I deeply desire to be a more consistent and intentional prayer- to be a woman who honestly trusts and relies on prayers. I love love love hearing one of the youth girls pray when we are in our small groups, and so I can only imagine the delight of the Father when we, His beloved sons and daughters, converse with Him.

3) To cast away idols that distract and deter me from living fully for the Lord. Such an easy thought to have...such an endless road to be on.

"Lord I want to yearn for you, I want to burn with passion over You and only You"- Yearn, by Shane and Shane

So here's to a new season...literally and figuratively!

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.-Psalm 51:10

And when...?

It's hard to pick a favorite verse of the Bible. I think they should all be my favorite; after all, it's the Word of God...we should be inundated with it always.

Still, there are those verses that resound in my head at the most opportune times and far be it for me to say it's anything but divine intervention.

The verse that has been resounding in my head off and on for over a year is Psalm 46:10: "Be still and know that I am God."

Ok, I know how to "be still"...and I know how to acknowledge that you "are God"...but putting them together is a challenge for me.

Be still and know that I am God. So even when I had my life perfectly planned out in my head (with dates and everything-- I'm a planner), and those things didn't happen...you're still God.

Be still and know that I am God. And when I feel like you're not there because I'm too busy to notice your presence, to acknowledge your creation, to feel your grace...you're still God.

Be still and know that I am God. And when anxiety and fear creep into my heart because I don't know how I'm ever going to accomplish the things I want to accomplish or how I'll ever have time to do and see all the things that this vapor of a life has to offer...you're still God.

Be still and know that I am God. And when I'm overwhelmed with the daily life that I live, that is smothered in your mercy and love, and I choose to feel bad for myself and console myself in anything other than stillness and reverence that you are God...you're still God.

Thank you, Lord, for being a perfect, holy, and loving God who is God, even when I am not still enough to honor it.

Overcoming Apathy

Funny that the title I felt was appropriate has the word "apathy" in it and it's also my first blog posting in months. No coincidence there.

I was reading Ann from A Holy Experience's blog posting about Falling for God and it really opened my eyes to how I've been the last few weeks. If you have a chance, read it. I recommend no distractions and a solid chunk of time before clicking that link. 

Jesus, forgive me for finding joy in anything but you. 

"Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you."-Psalm 63:3 (ESV)

Seeking Christ Through Trials

I'm not a generally emotional person. When A Walk To Remember came out, everyone left the theater all swollen-eyed and bawling and I had no idea why. I guess I'm not a big crier, especially in movies that aren't even real. But tonight I cried...for a long time. Tonight I feel broken. I am not blogging about this because I want sympathy or to vent my frustrations, but because I think there's a lot of misconception about being a Christian.

It's not all roses.

Becoming a Christian doesn't switch a light in your head and heart that makes your life pain-free and sets you on the easy street. I actually think it's quite the opposite. Being a Christian takes a lot of hard work. It takes a lot of changing the way you look at things, react to things, talk about things, and so on. I think it gets easier as time goes on, but there are always going to be setbacks. 

When everything seems to be going right, I await the bomb that's about to go off because it's only a matter of time. I wish I could say that, in those times where bombs are dropping, I turn to Christ for peace and comfort. Unfortunately this isn't always the case. It's easier to tell someone else to do it than to actually practice it. Tonight's a great example. 

"Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall."-Psalm 55:22 (NIV)

Lord, make me into a woman who seeks after you, desires your will for my life, and turns to you in times of trial. Make me real. Make my heart clean. Create in me a right spirit.

*After I posted this, I saw that my friend had posted quotes about brokenness on his blog. Check them out; they say it better than I ever could. :)

Undeserved Favor

As I've mentioned before, I have a hard time wrapping my mind around God's magnitude, holiness, love, grace, mercy, and so on. I feel like I'm not worthy, and I'm absolutely not. But the fact that I still experience all of God's goodness and that his mercy is poured out on me and his love is present in my life is a lot for me to take on sometimes. I struggle with the fact that I can't repay Christ for what he's done for me and what he continues to do for me. 

We live in a world that is pretty much give and take. We give hours of work, we get a paycheck. We give money, we get groceries and clothing and a place to call home. We earn much of the abundance we receive, and how much you get is correlated (in most situations) to how much you give. 

This is not the case with Christ's love.

Recently, some wonderful things have been happening in my life and I've been struggling with not feeling worthy of these things to be happening. What did I do to deserve these things? Surely they're too good to be true and they will be wiped out from underneath me shortly. I haven't done anything to deserve the Lord to bless me.

What he did for us over 2,000 years ago cannot be repaid by anything that we do. It was and is a gift of a life that will be eternally spent with him. I was struggling with this concept recently and my friend told me that what I was struggling with was pride. It seemed weird that she would use that word, considering I was telling her that I feel too sinful and too disobedient and unworthy of God's blessings. That doesn't sound prideful...but it is! It's thinking that Christ shedding his blood on the cross wasn't enough to pay for MY sin. It might've been enough for this person and that person, but it wasn't enough for me. She used this analogy, which really cleared it up for me:

Let's say a husband brings home a bouquet of flowers to his wife. He's so excited because he wants to show her how much he loves her and he wants her to feel happy and cared for. When he gets home and gives her these flowers, she responds not in joy, but in sadness that she hadn't done anything nice for him to deserve this gift. She has nothing to offer him in return. He tells her that it's ok- it's a gift and he wants her to just take them and not try to repay him, but she insists on wallowing in the fact that she didn't have anything to give in return.

Psalm 107:21-22 tells us how to rejoice in thanksgiving:

Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men. Let them sacrifice thank offerings and tell of his works with songs of joy.

Living our lives in a way that glorifies and honors God is the best way that we can show him thanksgiving for what he's done and what he continues to do in our lives. I pray that, in everything I do, God is glorified and praised.